Throughout the last 25 years I have seen how Divorce can literally destroy children, families, parents and relationships. In my opinion the person who get’s hurt the most are the innocent one’s, the one’s who didn’t have a choice, the one’s who get caught in the middle of the storm… the Children! It’s not the “Divorce” in itself that’s the problem, but it’s the approach in dealing with the divorce that destroys the kids. What I’ve found is that before all the lawyers, Counselors/Therapist, Court Appointed advisers, judges, and forensic Psychologists get involved, the damage has already been done. I find that early on in the Divorce the said parents begin to “build” their side of the case for the divorce with their children. This is the moment when the seeds of confusion, doubt, hurt, pain, trauma, separation and lies begin in the children. It truly breaks my heart to see so many children deal with years of therapy because of a decision a parent made to “over share” and make accusations about their marriage and divorce.
Most of the time I end up with very broken children in my office who will deal with these feelings the rest of their life. What drive’s me the most crazy is when the children get dragged through years of court proceedings and end up despising, hating and even cutting off their own mom or dad.
So what do we do?
The best thing to do is to prevent this from happening. So my advice to you is if you are heading toward Separation or Divorce (which I pray you are not) to think of your Children 1st!! Don’t share with them your negative feelings about your spouse and the pain or hurt you are feeling. Find your own Therapist for this. Regardless of how you feel about your spouse don’t talk them down to your children. Remember, this is your child’s mom or dad. Kids are smart and the truth about “who” your spouse is will rise to the surface eventually. Just be patient and allow your kids to see your spouse for who he/she is.
The best thing you can do is to approach your divorce and parenting plan as a team. Sometimes marriages end. I don’t like it or believe in Divorce, but it happens. So when it does make it a priority to “co-parent” with your spouse or ex-spouse. Do your best to look for the most positive outcomes for your children. Be flexible. Do things in “good faith” with your ex. Be fair with your children. Work together…. and if you just can’t, get over yourself. You have a responsibility to the children you brought into this world. They deserve a mom & a dad. So be that to them!
If the damage has already been done I encourage you to work with a family therapist, like myself, who will work with the children on the hurt, pain, trauma, fears, doubts, and concerns they have. There also may be a need for healing, forgiveness and reconciliation with not just parents, but other members of the family.
It’s called “Co-parenting”. It’s being a team as you parent your children after Divorce. Do it for your children and do it for you!
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Travis Dale Counseling
www.travisdalecounseling.com
You’re Still a Team
